


Don't be so hard on yourself

by writingformadderton



Category: Rocketman - Fandom
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Hospitalization, M/M, Supportive Relationship, Triggers, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-04-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:14:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23670625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writingformadderton/pseuds/writingformadderton
Summary: Richard suffers from an eating disorder and tries to fight against it, but it overwhelmes him from time to time. When it happens he needs Taron around him, reassuring him and spending comfort. This time Richard struggles a lot with himself and his emotions. But then he remembers how Taron and he got together and the time he landed in hospital, realizing Taron would always be by his side
Relationships: Taron Egerton/Richard Madden
Kudos: 13





	Don't be so hard on yourself

Taron is busy in the kitchen when Richard comes home. He’s prepared dinner tonight and tried his best not to burn anything. Usually, he was lucky to have Rich, who’s talented in the kitchen. But today, Richard had a long day on set and he thought it to be a nice gesture to cook for him.

What Taron doesn’t know is the feeling Richard gets when he steps inside and smells the heavy sauce for the noodles he made. He doesn’t know how Richard’s whole body protests and he feels himself getting a bit sick.

When Richard steps into the kitchen, he sees Taron working, completely concentrated, and looking absolutely adorable. He can’t hide a warm smile. “Hey, bub.” He greets him and lets his eyes wander over the strong back belonging to his boyfriend. T turns around and his shining blueish-green eyes meet his own. Rich comes closer and pulls him into a tight hug, burying his face in his shoulder, trying to blend out the smell of the food.

“You alright, darling?” T asks.

“Mm, just tired.” He mumbles and cuddles into him. 

“Okay then,” Taron runs his fingers through his soft hair and massages the back of his head. “We’ll have a relaxed evening then. A movie maybe.”

“But not in the living room. I’m gonna fall asleep and then you’ll have to carry me upstairs.” Rich mumbles into his shoulder and wraps his arms tighter around him.

“And what’s the problem with that? It’s not like it’s never happened before.” Taron chuckles and places a light kiss into Richard’s curly hair.

“Mm you’re right.” Richard pulls back and kisses him softly. “T, I think you should stop cooking the noodles at a high temperature.” He says when he recognizes the boiling water spilling out of the pot. 

Taron lets go of him quickly and turns around, swearing. “Fuck!” he turns the fire down and pulls the pot away from the hot stove plate. “No, now they’re completely overcooked.” He whines and rubs his face.

“Hey, its okay. They’ll still taste good, don’t worry.” Richard tries to calm him down a bit and rubs his back. 

Richard barely gets down the first plate and shakes his head furiously when Taron asks him if he wants some more. Taron sighs and nods. “See, I told you they wouldn’t taste good.”

“What? No! It’s delicious, love, really.” Rich assures him and leans back in his chair. “I’m just not that hungry.”

“Hmm, okay.” Taron mumbles and starts putting the plates away. Hearing that from Richard isn’t exactly something positive. 

“Taron.” Rich tries and gets up.

“Mm?” T puts the plates in the dishwasher.

Richard wraps his arms around him and pulls him close. “I am serious, okay?”

T turns towards him and wraps his arms around his neck. “I know.” He says and smiles softly. He watches Richard carefully and tries to find out if he really just wasn’t hungry today. Or was he slipping back into his phase again? “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” Rich says and kisses him gently. “Cuddle?”

T gives in and soon after, they are sitting on the sofa. Richard is sleeping deeply in Taron’s arms and is cuddled into the blanket. Taron plays with his curls and looks down at him, worried. He fears that Richard’s eating disorder will soon hit him again. After a while, Taron falls asleep in a very uncomfortable position. 

Richard wakes up and is surrounded by darkness. Only the light of the street lamp outside shines a sliver of light through the windows. Rich sits up and rubs his face tiredly. He gets up and puts his arms underneath Taron’s legs and torso, lifting him up. His boyfriend moans softly and leans his head against his chest. “Shh, keep sleeping.”

Upstairs, he lies him down and crawls under the blankets beside him. He closes his eyes and T wraps his arms around him lazily, burying his face in his neck.

The next morning, Richard leaves for work early and doesn’t eat anything for breakfast. Luckily, Taron isn’t awake by then so he doesn’t get to see that. Later on his lunch break, he spends the time in his trailer and doesn’t eat anything again. He feels himself getting hungry and his stomach is growling. But he keeps telling himself that he isn’t hungry. In the evening, he feels himself getting sick and calls Taron, lying to him that he has a night shoot and will stay on set.

Taron ends the call and frowns slightly. Rich came home every day, even when he would have night shoots. Something was clearly wrong. Did he make a mistake?

What Taron doesn’t know is how Richard curls up in bed exhausted in the evening. His arms wrap around his stomach and he moans a bit to himself until he drifts off to a miserable, light sleep at 4am.

But Taron stays awake as well, pacing in their bedroom and thinking about why Richard didn’t come home that night. He falls asleep on the armchair in their bedroom, around 5am.

Richard comes home at 8am that morning, fighting against the urge to eat something. He doesn’t feel like eating at all. Rich stumbles up the stairs and finds Taron on the armchair, curled up without a blanket. He walks over to him and fondles over his fluffy hair. “Morning, bub.”

Taron opens his eyes, confused, and smiles weakly when he sees Richard. “Hey, Rich.”

“Bed?” Rich asks and Taron nods, staring into each other’s tired eyes. 

Later that day, Richard barely eats during lunch. T watches him observantly and tries to ignore it. You are worrying too much and Rich is fine, he tells himself. But his worries only get worse when Richard decides to go out for a run and can’t sit still the whole day. It was typical for him during these phases to eat little to nothing, exercise more often than usual, and always moving around.

Taron sits on their bed, reading his newest script when Richard comes in. He looks up and smirks when he sees the wide smile on Richard’s face. “What is it?”

“Nothing. You look cute as hell.” Rich admits, grinning, and sits down on the edge of the bed next to him. 

T just grins and lies his script aside. He wants to take his glasses off and put them aside, but Richard stops him. “I see.” Taron smirks softly. Rich always has been a sucker for him in glasses.

Rich leans forward and places a tiny kiss on Taron’s nose. “I love you.” He whispers.

“I love you too.” Taron says and blushes a bit. It was crazy how Richard could still make him blush with saying simple words.

“You’re still blushing because of that.” Richard giggles softly and shakes his head. He crawls into bed and T opens his legs so he can sit in between them.

T cups his face and pulls him down. “Mm, still stunned I’m yours.” He connects their lips in a tender kiss while his thumbs stroke over his boyfriend’s cheeks. 

Rich pulls back and stares into the dreamy blueish-green eyes of his lover, that are shining full of joy. “Are you okay, bub?”

“Yeah.” Taron says and frowns slightly.

“You look caught up in your thoughts.” Rich explains his question. 

“Oh-I’m” He stops himself and rubs his back nervously. “I was worried about you.”

Rich frowns and leans back, away from him. “Why?” He asks and watches him observantly.

“Listen, Rich. I don’t wanna sound overprotective or suspicious, okay?” He sighs and Richard nods. “You just started to act like you do during your phases. And I think that made me worry about you.” He is scared to say what he thinks. He doesn’t know how he would react to that.

Richard opens his mouth to say something, but ends up closing it again. He stares down at his hands and swallows hard. “I really can’t hide anything from ya.” He sighs and smiles weakly, playing with his hands.

“So I was right?” T asks slowly and watches his boyfriend carefully.

Richard nods weakly and looks up at him again. His deep blue eyes are brimmed with tears and shine sadly. “I’m sorry.”

“No, Richie.” T says softly and opens his arms. “Come here, angel eyes.” He pulls him into a strong hug and Rich curls up against him. “You don’t have to apologize for that.” He assures him and runs his fingers through his curls. 

“I feel like I have to. Because I keep on dragging you down with me.” He presses out in a tiny voice.

“Oh love, it isn’t your fault. You’ll need some help to get through it, but you know it gets better again. I’ll be here.” T rubs his back comfortingly. 

“But what if you don’t stay this time? What if I hurt you too much with my behavior?” Rich asks sniffling and grabs Taron’s shirt as if he needed to be held. 

T looks down at him and grabs his hand that held his shirt. He interlocks their fingers and fondles his knuckles. “Did I ever leave you when you felt bad?” Rich shakes his head. “Exactly. Never did and I won’t. I knew about it when we got together, love. I won’t change suddenly.” Taron leans his head against the headboard and holds him close.

“Promise?”

“I promise.” Taron says and squeezes his hand.

Richard sits up a bit and gives him a quick, soft kiss. He cuddles into him again and closes his eyes, enjoying Taron’s safe embrace. “I have to be away for week, love. Work on set.”

Taron massages the back of his head and nods slowly. “Okay.”

This week, Richard finds himself changing between his scenes and pacing his trailer. He’s at the point now where it’s become sickening to eat something and not wanting to risk a stomachache. He can’t sit still at all, and exercises more than normal in a day. During his normal calls with T, he paces around his trailer and tries to fight the urge to just pack all his things and drive home.

In the beginning of the week, a costar made some cookies and brought him some. He tried one to be polite and told her they were delicious, which led them to talking a bit while she gave him more. Afterwards, Richard suffered a stomachache because the cookies were the first things he’s eaten in a while. Once he threw up from that, he vowed to not eat for the time being.

Taron is pacing in the living room and waits for Richard to come home. Being away for a week in that phase he knew that Rich struggled immensely. Taron falls down into the armchair and sighs a bit. How was he supposed to help him out this time? He hears the keys in the front door turning and gets up slowly to walk into the entry hall.

Richard comes in and slides off his shoes, bracing himself on the wall. He doesn’t feel good and he wouldn’t be able hide it from Taron at all. “Taron?” He asks in a shaking voice when he feels the dizziness hit him. Shit.

Taron steps towards him, worried. “I’m here, Rich.” He sees the pale face of his boyfriend and his shaking body and knows he’s right. “Are you okay?” He asks and lies his hand on Richard’s back. 

Richard turns towards him and shakes his head slowly. “I don’t feel good at all.” He admits weakly and rubs his face.

“You haven’t eaten anything in a week now, am I right?” Taron asks lowly. Richard nods and looks down at the floor. T grabs his hand. “Let’s get you in the living room and we’ll see what we can do, huh?”

Richard follows him slowly and feels the dizziness hitting him more. “T—I” He closes his eyes and growls lowly. “I need to sit down, I’m fucking dizzy.”

Taron watches him and sees how extremely pale he gets. “Just a few more steps and you can sit down on the sofa.” He encourages him but Rich shakes his head and his hand reaches out for the wall behind him.

He sinks down on the floor and tucks his legs up, wrapping his arms around his stomach and burying his head in his knees. He hears Taron leave the room quickly and moans at the stinging pain in his stomach. 

Taron comes back with a glass of water and a washcloth. He sits down behind Richard and pulls him back a bit. “Look up at the ceiling, it’ll help you with the dizziness.” Rich rests his head on Taron’s shoulder and looks up, trying to make the black dots in his vision disappear. T pulls his hands away from his stomach and puts the cold washcloth on his wrists. “Want some water?” He holds up the glass and Richard takes a few swallows of it, leaning forward to not spill it on himself. 

Richard leans back again and groans loudly when Taron starts rubbing his hurting belly. T tells him to take deep breaths and tries to do as he says. When he can’t find a fitting rhythm, Taron starts breathing deeply behind him and tells him to follow his breathing. He feels himself getting hot as his body starts fighting against the few swallows of water he took. He doubles over in pain and contorts his face. “You need to get to bed, love,” Taron says and rubs his back smoothly. “I’m gonna help you up, alright?" 

Richard agrees and gets up, groaning with Taron’s help. T braces him and walks up the stairs with him slowly. But the dizziness comes back and Rich sinks down on the stairs at the half. "T, I can’t-.” he buries his face in his hands moaning and closes his eyes.

Taron stands a few steps beneath him and carefully strokes over his hair. “I’m gonna carry you,” he offers and leans down a bit. Rich wraps his arms around his neck and Taron lifts him up. He lets him down on their bed and opens Richard’s belt to remove the jeans. After helping him into some sweatpants and changing his sweater to a wide comfortable shirt, he gets a glass of water from the bathroom. 

Richard lies curled up on the bed and moans into the pillow, trying to get a clear vision again. He feels Taron sitting down next to him and carefully fondle over his head. “I’m so dizzy,” he whines and buries his face in the pillow. 

Taron strokes through his slightly sweaty curls. “Close your eyes and breathe deep,” he tells him and wipes over the back of his neck with the cold washcloth. His temples and wrists, his face and back to his neck. “You want some water?”

Richard sits up slowly and takes the glass of water. He barely gets down the liquid and retches after the first gulp.

“Easy, love. Drink slowly, your body needs it.” T guides him through the next two gulps that are accompanied by coughing. “Well done,” he encourages him softly and rubs his back while putting the glass back on the bedside table. “I think you could use some proper sleep." 

"Mm, couldn’t sleep very well without you.” Rich sighs and lies down again. 

Taron lies down next to him. “Oh I know, darling.” he carefully wraps his arm around him and Richard buries his face in his shoulder. “Try to sleep a bit." 

"Mm. You smell good.” Rich mumbles taking in Taron’s sweet scent. It’s the first thing he smells in days that doesn’t make his stomach turn upside down. He wraps his arm around him and cuddles into him. 

“Dork,” T says, smirking, and holds him tight. He knows if Rich would have been alone while his body broke down like before, he would still be sitting on the floor in the living room. His boyfriend wasn’t able to do anything on his own during such a moment. He watches him drifting off and tries to comfort him with his embrace. 

When he wakes up again he feels a bit better, not that tired anymore. He looks up at Taron, who sleeps peacefully and smiles softly. His golden boy could really fall asleep every time they laid down together. He presses a light kiss on his forehead and strokes over his cheek.

“I’m not sure if that’s a good idea.” Rich admits, sighing and looks ashamed. 

“Just a little bit, love. Your body needs to get its strength back from somewhere, you know.” Taron sits down next to him with a plate with some salt crackers. He strokes over his cheek and smiles softly. “We’ll have to get you back to eating a bit of light stuff at first." 

Rich gives in and eats some of them while drinking a glass of water in between the bites. It isn’t much that he eats, but he stops soon knowing it would get too much. 

Taron fondles over his hair lovingly and puts the plate aside. "I’m gonna be in the bathroom for a quick second,” he says and gets up. Richard lies down and pulls the blanket up to his chin turning on his side. He watches Taron taking out his contact lenses and washing his face quickly. T grabs his glasses and puts them on, turning the light in the bathroom out. “Aww look at you, wrapped up in the blankets.” The Welsh giggles softly and walks to his side of the bed. He slips under the covers, puts his glasses aside and wraps his arm around Richard from behind. “You’re feeling better?” he asks quietly and turns off the light. He places soft kisses on Richard’s neck and the back of his shoulders.

“A bit, yeah,” Rich mumbles into his pillow and feels himself already drifting back to sleep. His body really was exhausted and begging for sleep since he came home.

That night, Richard wakes up feeling really sick, sharp pain shooting through his stomach. He sits up and moans a bit. Wrapping his arms around his stomach, he bites his lip and tries to remain silent. Waking up Taron is the last thing he wanted to do now at this hour.

But Taron, who is a light sleeper, already awoke when he sat up. “You’re alright?”

“Been better,” he admits tiredly. 

Taron rolls over and turns on the bedside lamp. He reaches out for his glasses and puts them on after rubbing his eyes. Sitting up, he comes closer to his boyfriend. “What’s wrong? Feeling sick?”

“Mm, extremely,” he answers and looks at him smiling weakly. 

“The first time eating something is always hard, huh?” T mumbles and Rich nods. They had been here way too often before so it wasn’t a surprise for both of them. Richard moans suddenly and bends forward, retching. “Bathroom?” His boyfriend nods and T accompanies him, seeing how pale he got the last few seconds.

As soon as they’re in, Richard breaks down and groans in pain while leaning over the toilet. He can feel Taron crouching down behind him and takes a deep breath trying to fight the nausea. He doesn’t want to throw up because that would be a step back again. But keeping it in seemed impossible. Taron rubs his face tiredly and gets up again to fill Richard’s glass with fresh water. Stroking over his boyfriend’s shoulder, he leans down to him. “You want some wa-.” But Richard gets even paler than before and bends forward, coughing in pain.

“No, no, no,” he whines frustrated and tries to hold it back. Come on, don’t do that to yourself again.

“Shh, calm down,” T says softly and massages the back of his neck. He can easily tell how much Rich fights against his own body and the urge to throw up. But then he gives up and starts letting it all out. Taron rubs his back soothingly and tries to give him the assurance that he’s there at least.

When he’s done, he rests his head on his arm at the toilet seat weakly and tries to breathe normally again. He looks up with tears in his eyes and meets Taron’s warm green eyes. “I’m sorry, I - I didn’t want to-.” his voice is shaking heavily. 

Taron hands him the glass of water and let him take a swallow. “I know, love.” he assures him and flushes the toilet. He sees a tear escaping Richard’s deep blue eyes and wipes it away gently. “Oh come here.” he whispers when he sees how much Rich fights with himself to not break down emotionally. Richard leans forward and cuddles himself into Taron’s arms. He hated it. Every single time it hit him and he gave in, too weak to handle it without Taron’s support. He felt like a pathetic mess and in moments like this he wonders what makes T stay with him. He remembers being alone with that before he got together with Taron. Nights like this he spent on the bathroom floor too weak to get up on his own again. Back in bed, safe in Taron’s arms, he watches him adoringly.

“What are you thinking about?” Taron asks smiling softly at him. 

“I just remembered our first kiss was during one of those phases,” he admits and blushes a bit. 

“Mm, never had a problem with you struggling. It’s human, love,” T says and presses a kiss on his forehead.  
\---  
Richard sinks down on the bathroom floor as the dizziness gets too much. He buries his face in his hands. “Fuck.” He had to lie down and give his body time to relax. But as soon as he tries to get up, he feels like throwing up because of the intensity of the dizziness. 

He needed help, it wasn’t the first time he realized it. Usually no one was around him that he could ask for help from. But this time he was in a hotel room and his best mate Taron was in the room next to him. T was the only person he told about his eating disorder, next to his family. And so he grabs his phone and dials his number. 

”Richard? You’re alright? It’s 2am,“ Taron says but he doesn’t sound sleepy at all.

"T, I’m sorry to disturb you this late at night. But I-.” he rubs his face groaning and shakes his head. Why did he pull Taron into this now? 

“You need help with something?” T asks and gets up. Was Richard fighting with his eating disorder? Rich just hums a yes. “Give me a second.” Taron ends the call and walks over to the door that connects their rooms. He opens it and steps into Richard’s hotel room. Frowning, he looks around until he sees the light in the bathroom.

Taron steps inside and sees Richard on the floor, pale and leaning against the wall. “Hey, mate. What’s going on?” he asks worried and crouches down in front of him. 

“I’m sorry, I got extremely dizzy and can’t get up anymore,” Rich explains and chuckles weakly. 

“Part of your struggles, Rich?” he asks softly and grabs his hand hesitantly. He doesn’t know what comforts him, but him holding his hand doesn’t seem to disturb Rich. 

“Yeah. I wanted to go to bed, but yeah-you see it didn’t work,” Richard tries to focus on Taron’s blueish-green eyes, that somehow make him feel safe. His glasses that he wore whenever they had no where to go made his eyes shine brighter than usual. 

“Okay. You wanna stay here a bit and see if it gets better so I can help you into bed?” he asks and Rich nods slowly. “Okay.” Taron sits down next to him and leans against the wall as well. He grabs his hand again and squeezes it gently. “Close your eyes." 

Richard looks at him confused for a moment but does as he says. 

"Now take deep, steady breaths. Try to relax and focus on your breathing.” Taron looks at him and sees how Richard follows his orders. “Good.” They remain silent for a while. “Think of something peaceful that makes you feel safe.” Richard feels himself getting calm listening to Taron’s voice and the breathing helps fight against the dizziness. Not seeing anything made the other senses work better. The softness in Taron’s voice, their hands interlocked, their legs slightly touching. It feels good, better than usual. He tilts sideways and rests his head on Taron’s shoulder. 

“Usually this helps me with calming down before premieres or press stuff,” he says chuckling and leans his head against Richard’s. After a while he looks down at him. “Feeling better?”

“If saying yes means I have to stay alone tonight-then no,” Richard says and waits anxiously for Taron’s answer. 

T giggles softly and squeezes his hand. “I can stay." 

The Scott opens his eyes and looks up at Taron, who thinks it’s the most beautiful blue he’s ever seen. "Would you?" 

"Yeah.” he shrugs his shoulders and looks at him smiling. “I don’t have to be here when you’re bad and leave as soon as you’re okay. Would be a weird thing to do." 

"Mm, it would,” Rich admits chuckling.

“Okay then, let’s get you to bed.” Taron gets up and helps Richard up. His Scottish mate stumbles slightly and he braces him watching him observantly. “You’re able to do it now?" 

Richard nods quickly, not wanting to look like he’s causing a scene. They walk over to the bed and Taron lets him sit down. He opens his belt and helps him out of his jeans, just like when they were drunk after a long night out. But this time they are sober. T hops onto the bed and grabs the blanket, covering them both with it.   
Taron rests his face on his hand and watches him observantly. They are a few inches away from each other, staring into each other’s eyes and tangling their feet as they always did. "How often does this happen? These phases of feeling bad and eating nothing?” he asks low-voiced. 

“It depends. Sometimes it happens because of an upcoming scene, an event or so. But often it just happens.” Rich sighs a bit and shrugs his shoulders. 

“Why is it now?” Taron asks calmly and Richard just shrugs. “Is it because of the scene we’re gonna shoot in a week?” Take me to the pilot was the next scene they would have to shoot. Was Richard unsure about it? 

Richard watches him stunned. He didn’t expect him to put it into words that directly. Did Taron really see through him that easily? “Mm.” he just hums and bites his lower lip. 

“Richie, there’s no need to hurt yourself that way. It’s just me. I won’t judge you for anything,” he says and watches him seriously. 

“I know. It’s just-When I start I can’t stop it until my body breaks down,” he explains weakly. “And not even that always brings me back to normal." 

"So you need help from someone, who reminds you to eat something,” Taron asks. “I could do that." 

"How would you check on if I really ate something or just pretended too?” Rich asks and smiles at him weakly. “That’s difficult when you’re not there in person." 

"Well, you promised me you’d always be honest with me,” he says and sees how Rich contorts his face a bit. “I see, doesn’t count for that.” he rolls on his back and stares up at the ceiling. 

“I want to be honest. And I always tell you if I’m feeling bad, just like today,” he explains and Taron turns his head sideways to face him. “But in those moments my mind isn’t working clearly. And telling you I ate something when I didn’t is my need to protect you from it.”

“You don’t need to protect me from yourself, Rich. I wanna be here for you.” Taron rolls back onto his side and carefully grabs his hand. “I’m your best friend and I wanna understand what’s going on in your head so I can support you. And if finally moving in together, like we said before when we were drunk, helps, then let’s do it.” Taron fondles over his cheek and gets lost in Richard’s deep blue eyes. God, he loved his best mate more than he should. “I know you  
always feel like you have to protect me. But let me protect you for once." 

Richard pushes the glasses back up, that moved down a bit when T turned to his side. "I don’t think you realize what it’s like to be around me 24 hours a day. It’s exhausting and I mess everything up and lets not start about the way I look." 

The helplessness in Richard’s voice hits Taron hard. "I can’t even cook without burning something, my laundry looks like a new clothes collection for dolls and I am clumsy as hell. And you think you’re the only one that would mess things up?” They both chuckle a bit. “Richard, you are perfect. You just need someone to show you." 

The Scott bites his lip and feels tears burning in his eyes. "Why should someone see that in me and show me if it’s not there?" 

"Let me tell you a few things about yourself. You have the most amazing and calming blue eyes I have ever seen, not gonna lie.” T starts fondling over his head. “Beautiful dark curls with your adorable grey streak in it. Those full lips so many people would love to kiss.” he strokes his thumb over his lips and their softness is unreal. “You have the most amazing personality, being strong and open in public, but as soon as it’s only us you get adorably shy, caring and calm.” He gets closer a bit and looks deeply into his eyes, wanting Richard to see how serious he is. “If you need help or someone to take care of you, just tell me. You’re not a burden to me and I love you." 

"I love you too.” he says with tears in his eyes. If T only knew how much he loved him. 

“No, I mean like. I really love you.” Taron admits quietly and blushes a bit. Maybe he had gone too far. But Richard looks at him with trembling lips and a tear rolls down his cheeks. “Can I show you how much?” he asks timidly and Rich nods. Taron moves closer and looks deep into his eyes before closing his own and kissing him softly. It isn’t something new after working on several Rocketman scenes already. But it feels differently without cameras.

Taron pulls back and looks at him with a shy smile. Rich swallows hard. “I love you too,” he just says and leans his forehead against Taron’s, trying to get the control over his feelings back. 

“Taron, I’m broken. I don’t wanna destroy you with that." 

"Everyone is broken, some just more than others. And that’s okay.” Taron carefully pulls him closer and Richard cuddles into him. “Let me be here for YOU. Please, Richie." 

Richard looks up to him and a tear escapes his eyes. "You’re perfect.” he whispers, smiling. 

“No, you are,” T whispers back and gives him a gentle soft kiss on his full lips.  
\---  
The next morning, Taron wakes up early and slides out of bed quietly not wanting to wake Richard up. Downstairs, he sits down on an armchair in their living room and studies his script. 

Half an hour later, he hears Richard walking down the stairs and looks up. He frowns shortly when he sees Richard wearing a thick sweater with he hood on his head. But then he realizes what’s going on. When his body got too exhausted he started to feel cold. “Morning, love." 

"Morning, bub,” he says and smiles a bit. “Can I close the window, it’s really cold?" 

"Sure,” T watches him do it and lies his script aside. “How are you feeling?" 

"Exhausted and cold,” Richard admits and walks back to him. T pats on his lap and Rich sits down, curling up and cuddling into him. 

Taron grabs a big blanket and wraps him up in it. His hands rub over his back and arms to warm him up. “Yeah, your body is a bit weak now.” he presses a soft kiss in his curls. “But we’re gonna get you back to normal.” they remain silent for a while until Taron feels Richard to start shaking in his arms. “You’re alright?" 

"I’m such an idiot,” he says and sniffs. 

“Huh? Love, you’re not an idiot,” Taron says and looks down at him worried. What was going on now? 

Rich sits up straight in his arms and runs his fingers through his hair. “Yes I am. I mean I recognize the changes whenever I’m slipping back into it but I never do something about it until I break down in your arms again.” He looks at Taron, frustrated, and tears make their way down his cheeks. “I can’t do this anymore. I hurt you over and over again with it. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me and I’m too stupid to take care of you." 

"Can’t do what anymore?” he asks low-voiced and fear creeping up in him. 

Richard buries his face in his hands and breathes shakily. “I can’t let myself hurt you again. I-.” he softly fondles over his cheek and shakes his head slightly. “You deserve so much better." 

"Are you trying to break up with me?” Taron asks with a shaking voice and his eyes fill with tears rapidly. He wouldn’t do that right?

“No-. Yes.” Rich groans and gets up. 

“No or yes, Richard?” he gets up as well and feels his heart racing in his chest. Did he do something wrong? 

“I don’t know,” Richard chokes out and looks away from him. 

Taron feels the tears running down his face quickly and sits down heavily. “Are you serious right now?” Richard breaks down on the sofa sobbing violently. The sound breaks Taron’s heart and he can’t fight the urge to sit down next to him. “Baby, what’s going on in your head?” he asks and strokes over his soft curls. 

Richard just leans against him and sobs into his chest. “I’m sorry, T. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m just so sick of this shit." 

"I know, Rich.” Taron wraps him into a tight embrace and rubs his back. 

“I’m scared of it.” He holds onto Taron tightly. “Please don’t leave me." 

Taron tries to stop himself from crying and presses a kiss in his hair. "I won’t,” he presses out weakly. “I promise, I won’t.” But suddenly he can’t hide it anymore and he starts sobbing. Taron quickly presses one hand in front of his mouth to hold it back. 

Richard sits up and looks at him with big blue eyes full of guilt. “I’m sorry, bub,” he presses out and softly removes Taron’s hand from his mouth. The sobs of his boyfriend hurt him immensely. 

“Di-did you really th-think about breaking up wi-with me?” he asks through his sobs and wraps his arms around himself feeling cold and lonely. “Did I do something wrong or-?” his feelings overwhelm him and he looks down on his knees. 

Richard cups his face and stares into the sad eyes of T. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m messed up at the moment and can’t think straight. It’s my fault, love,” he explains through tears and pulls Taron on his lap. He wraps his arms around his upset lover and holds him tight. He strokes over his fluffy hair and places kisses in it. “I am so sorry, Taron." 

"Don’t you dare scare me like that ever again.” he whispers and smiles at him sadly. Richard shakes his head and T kisses away his tears. Richard’s full lips travel over his cheeks, kissing his tears away. 

After a while, Taron gets up to get some tissues for their running noses. When he comes back and sees Richard standing there with his red puffy eyes and tear streaks all over his cheeks, he bites his lip and shakes his head slightly. Sometimes he just couldn’t believe that this man, beautiful even when he felt messed up like now, had this immense struggles with his looks. He wraps his arms around his neck and pulls him closer, standing on his toes. 

Richard looks into the blueish green eyes of his boyfriend right in front of him and places his hands on his waist. He really didn’t deserve having such a sweetheart by his side and loving him, but somehow Taron was still here. They sink into a short but needed kiss and then pull each other in a tight hug. 

“You want something to eat?” Richard just whines a bit. “I know it’s not easy,” Taron pulls back, playing with the hair on the back of Richard’s neck. “But you need to start with tiny steps." 

"I know,” he sighs. 

And so they sit down at the table together and Richard eats some of the light salt crackers T gave him yesterday. 

A bit later, he gets a terrible stomachache because of it and hides in Taron’s arms. Taron comforts him with gentle touches and talking to him and after a while he falls asleep, knowing this is the only way to ignore the urge to throw up and get it out. 

Waking up later, he feels better and sees that he’s still nestled in Taron’s tight embrace. T is stroking through his hair softly and has one hand on his stomach rubbing it softly. Now he knows why he slept so well and safe. “Oh baby, you could have done something else in the mean time." 

"Don’t be ridiculous, I’m not going anywhere,” T says and leans back a bit more into the pillow behind him. He looks down at Richard, who sits up and rubs his face tiredly. “How are you feeling?" 

"I’m feeling alright for the moment,” Richard says and sits between Taron’s legs leaning against him. “Just cold." 

T grabs their blanket and wraps it around them. "That’s better already, love. You want some more for dinner today?” Richard nods and gets a soft kiss of T for it. “Tiny steps until you’re better. If I’m too fast just tell me.”

Richard leans back a bit and looks up to him. “You’re doing great, love. Trust me.” he watches him adoringly and grabs his hands in front of his chest. Taron’s hands feel warm compared to his own and he can tell T feels it too as he starts stroking his thumbs over his knuckles. “I wouldn’t want anyone else by my side.” Taron looks down at him smiling softly. “You saved my life, T. Remember when I ended up in hospital?”  
\---  
Taron’s phone rings somewhere in the depths of his bag. Recognizing Richard’s special tone confuses him. Rich knew he would be on a plane in 30 minutes. He excuses himself from his assistant and searches for it. When he finally finds it he takes the call quickly. “Love, I’m on a flight soon. What’s going on?" 

"Taron, it’s Dex." 

Taron’s eyes widen in shock. "Dex, what happened? Is he alright?” His heart starts beating fast. He hasn’t seen Rich in almost two weeks, being too caught up in their work. 

“Rich broke down a few minutes ago. He said he feels dizzy and then he already sat on the floor.” Dexter takes a deep breath. “He refuses to tell me what’s wrong and wants to talk to you. What’s going on, T?" 

"I’m sorry Dex, Rich asked me to keep it to myself. Can I talk to him, please?” He bites his lip and gets an irritated look from his assistant, who’s tapping her finger on her watch. 

“Alright. Fifteen minutes until the press conference. Rich? It’s Taron." 

"Hey, love. Are you alright?” T asks softly and walks a few steps aside. He needs to get away from his assistant, who would know to whom he’s talking to. 

“T, I feel fucking sick. I can’t do this press conference now, I can’t,” Rich says weakly and rubs his face tiredly. I’m sorry I-.“ he stops himself from talking when one of the staff hands him a bottle of water. "Thank you,” he says smiling. “T, I can’t even drink something without throwing up!” he mumbles into the phone quietly.

“Listen, you don’t have to do it if you’re not able to. Dex will understand.” Taron looks down at his watch nervously. He decides to walk further away, knowing he needs to be with Rich now and missing the flight was his only option. “Did you eat anything these last two weeks?" 

"I did. But it got less with every meal. And I pushed it too far again,” he sighs and braces his head on his free hand weakly. 

“Okay, we’re gonna fix it together, alright?” Taron hears the last call for his flight and starts walking further away. 

“How long will you be away?” Richard asks and bites his lower lip. Please not so long. 

“A month,” Taron says and shakes his head. He couldn’t do that now.

“Oh.” it sounds broken and full of fear. “Well I suppose this was the last call for your flight, bub." 

"It was indeed. I don’t really care about that. I’m driving back home with a cab, get the car and pick you up. Cuddles and some light food for you this evening. Do we have a deal?” he asks smiling and looks out of the window. 

“Deal,” Richard says smiling softly. God, his boyfriend was the absolute best. 

“See ya. I love you, Richie.”

“I love you too, bub.” Richard ends the call and pours some of the water in his open hand. He puts some onto his neck, his wrists and his temples hoping to ease the dizziness. Dexter comes inside their room again and looks at him worried. Rich just chuckles and pushes himself up carefully, stumbling to a seat. He sinks down onto it and takes a deep breath. “How long will the conference be?" 

"Richard, no." 

"How long Dex?” Rich asks firmly and looks up at him. 

“Half an hour. But Richard you can’t do this today. Look at you, mate! You’re bloody pale, fighting against passing out with every step you take.” Dexter sits down opposite from him. “T will kill me." 

"Listen Dex, this is something I have all the time and I can’t stop doing my work when it hits too hard.” Richard plays with his hands and looks up to Dex again. He knows he will keep that to himself. “I’m suffering from a eating disorder, Taron knows." 

"Oh shit, Rich since when?" 

"A few years. Taron and I got closer one night when he helped me through a rough evening. I’m holding it back most of the time but it overwhelms me from time to time.” Rich stares at the bottle of water in front of him. He knows he needs to drink something but he doesn’t want to throw up again. 

“Is there a way I can help you with it? Something you need, mate?" 

"Can you give me five minutes? Then I’m ready for the press.” Rich asks and Dexter nods. As soon as he’s outside Richard opens his belt and button giving himself more space to breathe. He takes his bottle of water and takes a tiny gulp. He starts coughing and a hard pain shoots through his stomach. “Ugh - Fuck.” he bends forward in pain and tries to breathe. Something was clearly wrong, he never felt such a pain before.

After a while which he spends bent forward moaning into his knees he hears Dex knocking on his door. “Richard, mate, you’re ready?" 

Rich moans and sits up straight. Oh my god. "Yeah, just a second.” he says and tries not to sound like he’s in pain. He gets up and growls. “Bloody hell.” He takes a deep breath and forces a smile on his face.

“You look like shit." 

"Well thank you Dex. I feel like it,” Rich says and chuckles weakly. “Let’s get this shit done." 

When Taron arrives, he first goes to Richard’s room and is confused when he can’t find his boyfriend. He sees a bottle of water on the table and a package of painkillers on a table. "Oh no you didn’t -!” T groans and packs it away into Richard’s bag. He steps outside and walks over to the next door in front of him. When he gets no response to his knocks he decides to carefully open it. As soon as he does he gets blinded by the lights of the cameras and people start shouting his name. He smiles and walks over to the seats, stopping behind Richard. Leaning down, he wraps his arms around him and presses a kiss on his temple. “Hey love. Never giving up huh?" 

"No. Even though it was a mistake,” Rich admits laughing. 

“Did you take the painkillers?” he asks and chuckles. Rich and him could hide the seriousness of their talk easily, replacing their worries with happiness. 

“No, but I should have,” he admits smiling brightly and kissing him softly onto his lips. 

Taron nods happily as if he said something sweet and sits down next to him. Ten minutes left. 

Dexter gives him a thankful look knowing Taron’s presence may take the focus off Richard a bit. Now that they could ask both of them questions, Rich could take little breaks between talking.

While answering the question, he sees that Richard has his hand pressed on his stomach underneath his shirt while his other hand is curled up into a fist and grabbing his shirt tightly. Richard was in massive pain and trying to hide it desperately. Covered by the table, he moves his hand over to his boyfriend and rubs his thigh comforting him. He grabs his hand that’s curled up to a fist and interlocks their fingers. He squeezes his hand. I’m here. 

When the interviewers are done Dex wants to get up but Rich pulls him back. “I can’t, Dex let them get out first.” his friend nods understandingly and stays seated. 

Taron wraps his arm around him and leans towards his ear. “How are you feeling?" 

"Like absolute shit. Never had such a stomachache before.” He bites his lip and tries to hold back a moan. T pulls him into a hug and covers his mouth with his body, knowing Rich was suffering. Rich moans into his shoulder and contorts his face in pain. “Thanks,” he whispers and T just fondles over the back of his hair. Finally the last interviewer leaves the room and Richard rests his forehead on the table wrapping his arms around his stomach. 

Taron stands up and gets a bottle of water. “Love, you should drink a bit. Just a little bit, I promise.” he rubs his back and Richard pushes himself up growling. T hands him the bottle, already opened, and strokes over his curls gently. Rich takes a sip and immediately starts coughing. He retches and spits it down on the floor coughing. Dex can barely catch the bottle that slips from his hand as he tries to breathe. Taron pats his back firmly and waits anxiously until Richard stops coughing.

“T? I can’t see anything clearly,” Rich says and bends forward, moaning. “Fuck,” is all he gets out before he feels himself sinking against Taron on his side. 

“Careful, Rich. You’re gonna fall from the chair,” Taron says frowning and looks down at him worried. 

“I think he’s gonna pass out,” Dex says and watches Richard, worried. “Hey, Rich, can you look up at the ceiling for me?" But Richard just groans in pain and rolls his eyes. His body sinks against Taron fully as he goes unconscious and he slides down from the chair while T tries to secure him and lets him down carefully on the floor. "Fuck,” Dex gets his phone and calls an ambulance while T tries to wake him up again.

A few days later, Taron knocks at the door and comes in when he gets no answer. Richard is curled up in the hospital bed and sleeps. He has the blanket wrapped tight around him and T smirks softly, knowing his boyfriend is cold as soon as he had to sleep on his own. He pulls a chair to the side of his bed and sits down after taking off his jacket. He presses a light kiss on his forehead and strokes back a single curl that’s hanging in his face. 

Richard was in hospital for almost a week now. They had to get the needed substances for his body into him through an IV, making him eat and drink without having him throwing up a few minutes later. All of that process made Richard extremely tired and he needed the sleep. 

Taron watches him, caught up in his thoughts. His assistant made the appointments for the interviews and meetings with his new director all over the video call. Taron told her he had to stay here in London because of a family emergency and all of them agreed. It luckily worked out and now he had the opportunity to visit him every day. 

Richard wakes up, moaning softly, and opens his eyes slowly. A small smile appears on his lips and his blue eyes look at him, tired. “Hey,” he whispers.

T fondles over his soft hair and smiles. “Hey, how are you feeling?" 

"I’m cold and tired,” Rich admits and pulls the blanket closer to his shivering body. 

T smirks softly and nods. “I have some of my hoodies with me. You can have them if you want to,” he grabs Richard’s hand and squeezes it gently. 

“Would be lovely,” he says and smiles adoringly at his slightly younger boyfriend.

Taron grabs his bag and takes a light grey sweater out. He helps Richard to sit up who rubs his face tiredly and helps him to put on the sweater. “Of course you’re cold, you’re only wearing a shirt." 

"Fuck, really?” Richard asks confused and looks down at himself. 

“Yes.” Taron chuckles and watches him adoringly. 

Richard leans forward and braces his head on his hand. He stares at his blanket and shakes his head a bit. “What am I supposed to do?" 

Taron looks at him confused. "What do you mean?" 

"We’ll I’m clearly doing my body no good. I always feel like I have it under control but then it hits me again.” Richard sighs a bit and looks over to him. Searching for peace in Taron’s beautiful eyes. “We’ve been together for two years now and I’m doing so much better than before since you’re around me most of the time. I only slip back into it when I’m alone and no one recognizes me eating less.”

“I know, being alone brings it back.” Taron gets up and walks over to the window looking outside and watches the clouds passing by. “It would be so easier if I wasn’t an actor as well. I could accompany you and keep an eye on you." 

"T-." 

Taron turns back to him and leans against the window. "I was thinking about it for a while now. But seeing you during the last press conference opened my eyes once more again." 

"No, Taron. You won’t stop doing your job that you love. No way!” Richard shakes his head furiously. “I’m gonna figure it out.” he pats the mattress next to him.

“We.”

“What?”

"We’re gonna figure it out,” T says and walks over to Richard who’s smiling softly at him with little tired blue eyes. 

Rich looks up to him as he stands by his bedside and smirks. “Did I already tell you how gorgeous you look today?” Taron is wearing black jeans, a dark green shirt and a black jacket. His round glasses complete the look perfectly. 

“No you didn’t. Thank you, angel eyes,” Taron says and blushes. 

“You’re so adorable sometimes. Blushing over a compliment.” Rich squeaks and grabs him by the waist to pull him down on his lap. Taron giggles happily and leans against him while Richard connects their hands in front of Taron’s belly. He places a sweet kiss on the back of Taron’s neck. “Oh fuck, I miss being home with you." 

T smiles brightly and feels Richard kissing his neck lovingly. Suddenly, he starts biting him softly behind his ear. "Richard, behave,” Taron giggles and smacks his hands playfully. But Rich just hums and sinks his teeth into his neck. Taron’s soft gasp encourages him to bite harder, making him moan softly. “Baby, come on.” he growls and tries to hold himself back from attacking Richard with passionate kisses. Richard chuckles deeply next to his ear and rests his head on  
his shoulder. 

“How long will I have to stay here? I want my own bloody bed back,” Rich growls, annoyed and buries his nose in Taron’s neck taking in his sweet scent. 

“I don’t know, I’ll ask Mary when she comes in at 5pm,” Taron mumbles and leans back in his arms. 

“You call her Mary now?” Rich asks teasingly with a fake jealousy in his voice. 

“Chill out Madden. You know who I prefer having beside me for the rest of my life,” Taron chuckles and rolls his eyes playfully.

“You’re sure about that? Choosing me when you could have someone normal?" 

"You know I wouldn’t get along with ‘normal.’” 

"But-." 

"Don’t be ridiculous, Richard. I love you very much and yes, you struggle sometimes. Yes, it scares me sometimes and yes, sometimes I may be a bit distant after such a phase. But I love you so much and you are my boyfriend,” Taron turns around in his lap and faces him now. Richard looks at the blanket and bites his lip. Taron grabs his hands and squeezes them softly. “Look at me." 

The Scott looks up with tears in his eyes and presses his lips together. "I don’t deserve you." 

"Oh shut it, Madden,” Taron growls and shakes his head furiously. He wraps his arms around him and leans his forehead against Richard’s. “I love you, Richie,” he says and gives him a soft kiss. 

“I love you too, bub,” Rich says and sighs relieved. “I need something to drink." 

T looks around and spots the bottle at the bedside table. He leans towards it and opens it. "Here. Slow and easy.” he hands him the bottle and watches Rich who takes a few sips without contorting his face or retching.

“I already feel like sleeping again,” Richard admits and yawns. 

“Well, that’s alright. Your body needs more sleep.” Taron says and puts the bottle back at the table. He crawls behind Richard and sits up on his knees. Taron starts massaging his shoulders and his boyfriend moans in relief. The constant lying around started hurting Richard’s body as well. “Come on, lie down." 

Richard lies down and T turns him onto his stomach. Rich rests his head on his arms and moans softly when T starts massaging his shoulders, back and neck. He closes his eyes and relaxes under his touch, it doesn’t take long until he is asleep. 

Taron gets down from the bed and searches for his script in his bag. Now he could use the time and study it for a bit. Rich whines in his sleep and forces himself to open his eyes again. "Don’t leave me already,” he pouts and looks at him with big blue eyes. “Please?" 

"I’m just taking my script out. I won’t leave you so soon already, Richie,” he chuckles and fondles over his cheek lovingly.

Richard grabs his hand and presses a tiny kiss on his knuckles. “Can you hold me for a bit?" 

T smirks softly and sits down next to him on the mattress. His boyfriend cuddles into him and rests his head on his chest. After a few minutes of T playing with his curls, Richard falls asleep again. Taron listens to his steady breathing and relaxes against the pillow. Rich would be okay again, they would do it together. 

After a while a nurse comes inside and smiles softly when she sees Taron studying his script while his boyfriend sleeps deep in his arms. "Good afternoon, Taron. Can I talk to you outside for a moment?”

T looks down at Rich and puts his script away. “Of course.” he gets up carefully trying not to wake him up and slides from bed. Richard pulls the blanket closer around himself and opens his eyes tiredly. “Shh, keep sleeping. I’ll be back in a minute,” Taron says fondling over his head. 

Outside of the room Mary watches Taron observantly. “Listen, we checked him several times and there is no proper explanation for that immense pain that made him pass out. We only knew that his stomach was massively provoked by everything we tried to make him eat or drink in the beginning.” She strokes back a curl that loosened out of her ponytail. “I know you’re his boyfriend and of course you want to protect things he trusts you with. But what I have to know is if he struggles from an eating disorder because if he’s pushing it that far, he needs help." 

"I know that he needs help, believe me. We’re working on a way out at the moment.” After a long talk about different things they could do against it Taron goes back into Richard’s room. He sits down next to him and plays with his grey streak, caught up in his thoughts. 

Richard wakes up and comes closer to him, searching for his warmth. “Is everything alright?" 

"Mary gave me some contacts for therapists, she is suspicious that you suffer from an eating disorder.” Taron looks down at Richard who nods slowly. “We’re gonna look at them closely tomorrow." 

"Tomorrow?" 

"You’re coming home with me tomorrow,” Taron says smiling and places a kiss on his forehead. 

Richard wraps his arms around him and cuddles deeply into him. “Can you stay here tonight? I don’t think she’ll kick you out if you’re asleep with me." 

T chuckles softly and lies down next to him. "Alright.” he kicks off his shoes and slides under the blanket. Soon they are deeply asleep, cuddled into each other’s arms.  
\---  
Taron presses his lips together and nods. “I remember.” his voice is shaking and his lips are trembling a bit. It was the first time he couldn’t handle his boyfriend’s eating disorder on his own. A tear escapes his eyes and drops down onto Richard’s cheek.

Rich reaches out for him and cups his face. “Oh, love.” his voice has a softness in it, T hasn’t heard in a while. “I’m here,” he whispers and pushes himself up a bit while he pulls T down.

They share a short kiss, while Richard’s lips are upside down on Taron’s. “I guess it’s time for another appointment at the therapist huh?" 

Taron looks down at him and nods slowly. After today’s outburst he thinks it’s needed. "That’s a good idea.”

Two weeks later, Taron gets home from work and takes off his jacket tiredly. “I’m home, love." 

Richard steps out of the living room with a big smile on his face. He walks towards Taron and wraps his arms around his waist lifting him up. 

T wraps his arms around his neck and his legs around his waist. "You’re having a good day?” Taron asks giggling happily and kisses him while getting carried into the kitchen.

Richard sits him down at the kitchen table and nods. He grabs his neck and kisses him softly and lovingly. “I love you so much it’s unreal." 

"Aw, stop it.” Taron blushes and kisses him smiling. 

“I owe you my life. You made it worth living, bub,” Richard says and smiles happily at him. “Every time I tried to push you away because I was scared, you stayed with me even more. I don’t know what I did to deserve you, but I’ll fight for you.” Rich fondles over his cheek and looks at him with bright deep blue eyes. “I love you." 

"I love you too, angel eyes,” T whispers choked up and blinks away the tears in his eyes. 

“Always so emotional,” Rich says adoringly and presses a kiss on his lips. 

“You make me,” T mumbles into the kiss and cups his face. 

“Thanks for never giving up on me,” Richard whispers and smiles at him timidly. “I know I’ve been an asshole sometimes." 

"I would never give up on you,” Taron whispers back. “Stop being so hard on yourself.”


End file.
